Real Life and Some Thoughts

Thursday, August 27, 2015

There are too many pictures on my phone from too many weeks undocumented. That will happen eventually, but for right now, I'm just going to write.
I rarely do this because I feel like people don't like to read long blog posts about other people's dramatic or lame lives, depending. But this space is first and foremost for me, and so I can remember in five months how I was feeling. And I love pictures, but I haven't enough energy for that right now.
So you just get words.
We started school this week and I cannot remember a first day of school that I have been so overwhelming unmotivated by. I didn't want to go, I was in a bad mood the whole time, and I just felt really down. Especially because of my journalism class, because one would think that if that's my major, then I should love it. But I don't. I dread the work that comes with writing a story-coming up with an idea from god knows where, pitching it, pre-reporting it, interviewing. The whole shebang. And even though it all goes well for me in the end, and I am proud of the story I have produced, on Monday I was having none of it. Heck, even on Wednesday when we went back for round two. We were talking about finding story ideas and I was sitting there like a little baby thinking "I don't want to do this."
I asked McKenna after class, "Should I be enjoying this?" because I honestly don't know.
I've toyed with the idea of talking to an advisor because I've had some reservations about other parts of my schedule. But what are they going to say? There isn't a way out of it. And I knew what my mom would say. You have to do it, so do it.
Most of me recognizes that I'm in one of those I have no feelings and am mediocre about everything unless it's negative kinds of moods. It happens, and I don't like it. I think that generally I am a positive person, and my own mental happiness is fairly high and stable, and I can take life situations in stride.
But junior year has really thrown me, and it's not because I don't like KU. I love it. If there is one thing I know, it's that Lawrence is amazing, and so is this school.
It's just that I want to be done with school. You understand, right? You spend the whole summer just working and getting paid and realize it's not half bad. You get to write blog posts with almost uninterrupted creative freedom, and then go back to rules and pitches and confines. Classes and homework and outside requirements, all so that you can become societally acceptable to hold a job.
I feel better now, more equipped to make it through the semester. I knew I was in a bad mood that would eventually lift, and that the first week is always overwhelming.
I also know I don't want to do your average reporting. And if I do arts and culture, it won't be like this class. But I'm starting to think my career lies somewhere other than as a reporter, which isn't entirely news. It's probably a step in the right direction.
And for those of you reading this thinking, "Omg she's paying out of state tuition for a major she doesn't want," I can tell you right now that isn't true. I think journalism is perhaps the strongest degree I could come away with, when it comes to my personal abilities, strengths, and hopes for the future. If I don't pursue a job that has to do with writing, in it's many forms, then I think I will turn to people. I was a shy child and some would still call me anti-social, although I know that isn't the right word. I actually love people and am quite interested by their stories. I just can't spend all day every day with them without draining myself.
One kind of people I want to help? KU students. That is why I wanted the job at the desk so much. Yesterday I started thinking, why don't I work for the university as a recruitment officer? My recruitment officer, Elisa Krapcha, made a huge difference in my life. She was, in a way, the reason I could go to KU. I want to be that person for someone else, to make their jayhawk dreams come true.
So, we'll see. I have a lot of faith in the fact that you can't really plan too much for the future, and things happen as they happen. And as long as I make it through this semester, I'll be good to go.

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