29 and 12

We broke up last night (again). Today I went to a picnic with my friends, and a lady named Crystal painted butterfly wings and flowers on my face. I tried to stay busy, I spent time in the sunshine. I thought about what it felt like to be 12 with a sleepover ahead of you that night. And then I stood in front of the sink and the face paint came off in one fell swoop. And no amount of glitter flowers, or sewing projects, or yoga classes, or energy sessions and healing workshops and somatic exercises will change the fact that tonight, I'm alone, and I've never been so sad in my life. In the future maybe I'll think, hey, that wasn't so bad. Or, I knew it would all work out! But right now, there is only: what is wrong with me? Why does this keep happening? Why is it that the one thing I want in the world, I can't get right?